Please honour your emotions, because you matter too
An article I read recently about disenfranchised grief in the context of the Covid-19 pandemic has helped me to reflect on how often I gloss over my emotions in the spirit of ‘getting on with it.’
And if “I should be feeling.. ”, “anyway, it doesn’t matter…”, “not to worry” or “I’ll be fine” are popular turns of phrase for you, then it’s more than likely you do this too.
According to The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, disenfranchised grief is '“being deprived of the right to grief”. Their website explains: “When a griever is disenfranchised, they feel like they can't share their pain or feelings with others.”
Disenfranchise means to ‘deprive’. In the context of grief or loss, we will often deprive ourself of acknowledging our emotions due to deep subconscious or social conditioning.
I was encouraged from a young age to be positive and to see the bright side of life. My father in particular was a very upbeat person, who quite literally saw the silver lining in everything. Both of my parents had a difficult upbringing and rarely talked to my brothers and I about how this had impacted them, likely to protect us from the realities of the human curriculum. While this was good intentioned, it wasn’t until later in life that I realised it’s just as important to be true to my darkness.
When I am asked how I am, I usually find myself responding on autopilot with: “I’m good, thanks…” usually followed by: “… there are people worse off than me.” There I go, depriving myself how I am really feeling… which is pretty crappy.
Disenfranchised grief may also apply to when someone we weren’t at all close to dies. Or when a person close to us who harmed or abused us leaves us or passes away. “Why should I be sad? I barely knew them”, or “… they hurt me so much” says the voice inside your head. There’s something within us that tells us we shouldn’t grieve their loss. And so very often, we suppress it, never giving how we’re feeling the attention it deserves.
Earlier this year, my first boyfriend died unexpectedly. I hadn’t stood in the same room as him for over 15 years nor had I spoken to him for six, but I was devastated when I heard. There was however, a voice in my head that said.. “you don’t deserve to feel sad for him”. So there I go again, telling myself that my sadness wasn’t warranted. And so, I suppressed it. It took a powerful energy healing session in Vietnam months later, for me to eventually realise how much his passing had affected me.
And in the context of the Covid-19 global pandemic, we are all grieving the loss of something or someone. A loved one to death or breakup, a job, a business, a previous way of life, the great outdoors or a favourite hobby or sport. We’re all experiencing loss in our own way and it’s important to sit in the truth (satya) of it.
Sitting in the truth of the present moment is something I have been trying to do more of. A few months ago, my Mum died unexpectedly. One of the methods through which I have been processing my grief is through writing and sharing my experience of grief via my communication channels, including this website. I have done so with the hope that something I share may help someone else process a similar experience. While some may think a public forum is not the best place to allay grief, blessed with right brain creativity, I have allowed my writings on my grief to be a form of therapy. And it’s really helped.
I’m also trying to be more truthful in my responses when asked how I am: “I’m OK”, “I’ve been up and down” or “I am good, today.” The one thing I know about grief is that every day is different, so please honour this through the words you speak. Your being truthful about how you’re feeling also opens up the door for the person you’re speaking with to communicate how they’re really feeling too.
I’ve also been trying to catch myself when I hear myself saying things like: “this happened, but anyway…” or “I’ll be fine.” My wonderful grief counsellor has been lovingly calling me out on this too. These common phrases are typical of someone who is programmed to just ‘get on with it’.
You’re probably not shocked to hear that the ‘toughen up’ or ‘get on with it’ approach to emotional processing doesn’t so much resonate with me. Why? Because by “drinking a cup of concrete” (another one I hear often) is not actually processing your emotions. Rather, it’s gripping tighter onto them and holding them in your body for them to keep rearing their ugly head. Of course, I say this without any judgement.
From a yogic perspective, it’s important to note that by honouring challenging emotions we are not necessarily owning them. It is the work of a yogi to notice that we have emotions but to also realise that we are not our emotions. You’re not even the ‘good’ ones. They are a lived experience of energy within us . If we work with the knowledge that emotions are energy, we then discover we have the power to shift that energy so that we might remember who it is we really are.
PRACTICE WITH ME
Actually, in yoga we are taught that our emotions are one of our greatest teachers. Through the study of our emotions we can also understand repetitive linking thoughts and ultimately re-wire our brain towards for a more positive outlook. Dr Joe Dispenza talks about the emotional merry-go-round a lot.
How you might do that is totally up to you, but here’s a few things I’ve found to help:
Meditate on your emotions. Get to know them through cosmic conversation. Here’s a short practice I like to work with.
Catch yourself when you use dismissive phrasing like “anyway, it doesn't matter…”, “I’ll be fine” or “I should be feeling X”. Your needs and your feelings matter too.
Rather than responding with: “I’m OK there are others worse off,” try: “I’m struggling but I am grateful for what I have.”
When you ask someone how they are, back it up with “how are you, really?”
When you feel a specific emotion notice where the mind goes… is there a particular repetitive thought? Memory? Or are you carried into the future?
Release any tension in the hips through gentle hip opening practices - it’s said we hold a lot of our emotions here - so moving into this part of your body will help to shift stuck emotions, enabling you to feel into the felt-sense experience of them.
Please do honour all of your emotions. Especially the challenging ones, including grief, and especially at this time of acute uncertainty.
Do it because you matter too.
om shanti xx
P.S If you’re feeling really down and can’t seem to get on top of it, please do reach out to Beyond Blue.
They have some wonderful resources that can help, including trained mental health professionals available to speak with on the phone.
Image thanks to Maddie Turnball